Fiction by Xenia Schiller

xeni-schiller-and-friendNO MORE UGLY SURPRISES

You’ll never have to say you never saw it coming.

No More Ugly Surprises™ asks the tough questions that other matchmakers never even consider. At No More Ugly Surprises™, we pride ourselves on being the only dating service in the world that provides full disclosure to our clients. Our membership pool is exclusive; all applicants are thoroughly screened through a variety of state, federal and international databases. You can rest assured that if there’s a deal-breaker, we’ll find it. No More Ugly Surprises™: It’s about Time You Listened to Us.

Thank you for your interest. As part of your application, please complete our Physical, Mental and Emotional Fitness Assessment to determine your suitability and eligibility for our services. We will be in touch after we’ve reached our decision.

My Education (Circle highest level attained):

a) Elementary/Middle School/Home School

b) High school/GED/Attempted GED

c) Some college/Technical school


e) MA/MS/MRN/PhD/MD/DO/Foreign Equivalent

f) School of Hard Knocks

g) Other (please specify) ______________________________

My Income (Circle all that apply):

a) 0-29,999 (Thank you for your interest. Please return the questionnaire.)

b) 30,000-49,999

c) 50,000-69,999

d) 70,000+

e) Public Assistance

f) Parental Allowance

My Occupation:

a) Doctor, Lawyer, High Level Executive

b) Middle Management/Supervisor/Professor

c) Administration/Support Staff

d) Work Release Program

e) I empty anal glands at the vet.

My Residence (Circle all that apply):

a) Own

b) Rent

c) Room in my parent’s house

d) Halfway house or shelter

e) Federal Penitentiary

f) At least 500 feet away from elementary schools, as mandated by Court Order

I Live (Circle all that apply):

a) By myself

b) With a roommate

c) With my children

d) With my spouse/significant other

e) With others (relatives, pets/livestock, soldiers, students, congregants). Please specify:


My Orientation:

a) Gay

b) Straight

c) Evangelical

d) Situational

My Stature:

a) Tall

b) Average

c) Short and swarthy

d) Tall/average but in a wheelchair

My Physical Fitness:

a) Skinny/Slender

b) Average

c) More than enough

d) I have problems with my glands.

Now that we know a little bit about your exterior self, let’s get better acquainted with

Who You Are, Where You’re Going and What You Want.

I am (circle all that apply):

a) On parole/eligible for parole.

b) An inpatient.

c) Taking it one day at a time.

d) Damaged goods.

e) Gonna be somebody!

f) A product of recidivism.

My Most Attractive Quality is (choose one):

a) My hair/eyes/smile/physique.

b) My emotional unavailability.

c) My personality/sense of humor/positive outlook.

d) My personal wealth.

e) All of the above.

Where I am Right Now:

a)    Showtime’s Dexter is like a window to my soul.

b) I can be intolerant.

c) I am easily overwhelmed.

d) I avoid conflict at all costs.

e) In the closet, behind the shoes, watching you.

My Dating Challenges (choose all that apply):

a) I have trouble meeting people, lack social skills and ultimately have no filter.

b) I am new to the area/pretending to be new to the area.

c) I am constantly evolving to higher planes of existence.

d) I am self conscious because of the governmental surveillance.

e) I was featured on To Catch a Predator.

f) I have been too busy with my current relationships to find someone new.

g) I am too focused on how the choices I make impact my counterpart in the next dimension and how the decisions of my counterpart are affecting me, and evaluating which actions are actually a product of my free will and which are the natural consequence of the counterpart’s influence, and then determining where I leave off and he/she begins is so exhausting I have no time for a private life.

Things that Excite Me:

a) Live-action porn

b) Cruelty for cruelty’s sake

c) Gratuitous obscenity/violence

d) Breaking and entering

e) The causal link between my actions and his/her/their fear

Things that Annoy Me:

a) The wisdom, knowledge and hard-won insight of others.

b) Jesus Freaks.

c) “No.”

d) Wanton displays of morality.

e) Free will and personal choice.

f) A rudimentary lexicon.

My Biggest Fault:

a) I have anger management issues.

b) There are multiple warrants for my arrest.

c) I make bad assumptions. (She wants me. He drinks as much as I do. We’re having a good time.)

d) I have no regard for the rights or wellbeing of others.

e) I am gay but gravitate toward straight relationships.

f) On dates, I like to dress up as someone other than myself.

g) I am dead inside.

The biggest lie I ever told was:

a) I am a virgin/was a virgin.

b) I’ve been tested.

c) I do/I didn’t/I won’t/I would never.

d) That’s not my kid.

e) It’s not contagious / addictive.

f) You’ll like it.

I wouldn’t want you to see me when:

a) I’m in one of my “moods.”

b) I’m off my meds.

c) I’m having a blackout.

d) I’m with your sister.

e) I’m alone in the bathroom.

f) I’m in touch with my Higher Power.

g) You’re out with your friends.

It would kill my mother if she knew:

a) I slept with her husband.

b) What I said in confession.

c) How much I hate her.

d) How she ruined my life.

e) How I spend my money.

f) She’s not my real mother.

Love Me, Love My:

a) Need for constant affirmation.

b) Hamsters. The guinea pig. And the gerbils.

c) Team of specialists.

d) Intractable debt.

e) Panic attacks.

A Good Date Involves:

a) The exchange of money for services rendered.

b) Theft of property.

c) Truancy.

d) Luring hitchhikers into my RV.

e) Human or civil rights violation(s).

A Great Date Ends with:

a) Services rendered without exchange of money.

b) A conversion experience or declaration of faith.

c) Secret souvenirs.

d) The sunrise.

e) Surveillance, reconnaissance and website broadcast.

f) Fingerprints and a photo shoot.

My Ideal Relationship Lasts:

a) Forever.

b) Until I say it’s over.

c) 24-48 hours.

d) The night.

e) Until the goggles wear off.

f) Depends on how you define “relationship.”

Post-Coitus, I Prefer to:

a) Tweet about it.

b) Shower until I’ve washed away the dirty.

c) Take pictures of him/her sleeping.

d) Get out as fast as I can.

e) Self-medicate until I forget who/where I am.

f) Review the tape, and insert another.

How I’ll Know She’s a Keeper:

a) She’ll try anything once.

b) Her parents are never home.

c) She isn’t Catholic.

d) Her rates are higher than average.

How I’ll Know He’s a Keeper:

a) He’ll pay for my procedure(s).

b) He has no interest in my shoes or underwear.

c) He’s old and in delicate health.

d) My friends are jealous.

I certify that the information herein provided is true to the best of my knowledge. I understand that before I am considered for membership, my application will be subject to a thorough investigation, including but not limited to, credit check and financial history review, medical records, criminal record and reference check. I hereby provide proof of identity (state issued identity card or driver’s license, passport, visa). I authorize the Relationship Agents of No More Ugly Surprises™ to contact the individuals and organizations listed on my application to verify my identity and the accuracy of my statements.


Signature Date

Xenia Schiller is a freelance writer living in Birmingham, Alabama. In a previous life, she wrote television commercials for the NY/NJ metro area. Xenia collects rescue dogs and rejection letters. Some of her best friends are schnauzers.

} else {

7 comments for “NO MORE UGLY SURPRISES™

  1. luke
    April 22, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    That was a very funny article. My favorite one was the “Post-Coitus”. LOL

  2. Tashara
    April 22, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    This was laugh out loud funny, and I did numerous times! 🙂

  3. Clare Lockhart
    April 22, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    LOL: a) 0-29,999 (Thank you for your interest. Please return the questionnaire.)


  4. April 23, 2010 at 7:15 am

    I’d have to second, third or fourth that this had moments of LOL funniness. Thanks!

  5. JWM
    April 23, 2010 at 9:47 am

    Very funny. I especially liked a good date ends with…

  6. February 15, 2011 at 2:36 am

    I enjoyed reading your piece very much. You are very welcome to submit to the PP Mag (, too 😉

  7. Ahmad Abdul mulindwa
    December 31, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    “I wouldn’t want you to see me if am in one of my moods” ha ha. Funniest stuff I’ve read in 2012 so far

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *